I woke up this morning to find the Gremlins had come to play.  I no longer call them demons.  That’s giving them too much credit.  I created them and I’ll see them as I choose.  They used to be these big ugly undulating things with glowing red eyes and beastly howls.  They had power over me and my thoughts.  They said awful things that made me feel like this inadequate little boy who brought a banana to a bazooka fight.    They stopped me in my tracks and scorched great swaths of my mental landscape.

I’m done with that.  They’re not demons.  They’re more like ‘re gremlins, little bouncy mischievous annoyances who gum up my machinery.  At least they try to.

There they were at the foot of the bed all smiles.  They brought everything with them: fear, regret, anxiety, low self-worth, all the mistakes of the past and all the uncertainty of the future.  I got hit in the face with it like one giant misery pie topped with sour cream instead of meringue.  They were intent on making it one of those days.  As usual it was paralyzing.

I crawled out of bed and dragged myself to the bathroom.  As I brushed my teeth I thought of holing up with the Porcelain Goddess all day.  I looked in the mirror with a groan.  All the positive self-talk and review of progress and little victories didn’t help.

I chose to pry myself from the bathroom and go for a run.  Running helps me burn off the effects of the Gremlin’s patented and effective formula of fearful paralysis and self-flagellation.  Maybe there’s a metaphor tucked in there somewhere.  Maybe I’m running away from something or perhaps I’m running toward something.  Neither matter because after a run I usually feel better about everything.  If I run long enough I know my brain space will change.

I poked my head outside.  The air was damp and sharp, the kind that burns your lungs and frosts your ears.  I thought twice and heard a maniacal chuckle behind me somewhere.  Gremlins.  I feel them poking and an urge to breakdown into a freefall stall.  That will kill the day so I zip up the layers.

Demons can run.  They bound out in front of you and block your path toward any kind of progress.  The thing about Gremlins is they have tiny little legs.  They can’t keep up when you find pace.  They try though.  You can hear them in the distance yelling for you to slow down.  Then they’ll tell you all the ugly things like you’re a loser because you can’t run.

The going is tough at first.  All the moving parts wake up and talk to  each other after a few months off.  Each part is annoyed at the other for having to work when a nap sounds so much better.  Now my brain has something new to focus on.

Soon enough everything synchronizes and I find pace.  I said Pace, not Peace.  That comes later.  Right now it’s all grunting, gliding and sweating.  A couple of miles in and everything loosens up, the brain gets much needed ventilation, muscles ache and there’s that good sweat of Effort Equals Results.

I got back to the castle, put more coffee up and collapsed into a stretch the floor.  I felt better, thoughts were clearer and the room seemed a little brighter.  I did a quick check and looked around, listened.  The Gremlins were over in a corner kicking a ball between them having forgotten about me.  They’re  kinda cute when they play nice together.  It’s only when they get bored that they decide to pick on me.  I’m an easy mark with my regrets and anxieties right there on my sleeve in plain sight.  I like them where I can see them.  They remind me of how far I’ve come and how far I have yet to go.  If I bury them like so many others do that will start the backslide into a cycle of procrastination and failure on all fronts.  I killed that beast long ago.  No need for a resurrection and the Gremlins don’t need a full time job.

They behaved well today.  I think I’ll bake them some cookies.

Stay true to you,

Tommy