Some classic doorstops from my shelves.
Top Ten Reasons Books (and Reading) Suck
By Tom Serafini
File under Satire. Unless you know someone to whom this applies…
Books. Who needs ’em?
I mean, Everyone is so busy these days. Who has the time to read a whole actual book? I don’t. I’m so busy with all my social media posts and reality tv shows. If I took the time to pick up a book and then read it, I’d miss so many more important things like cat videos and a juicy disagreement on Facebook. Besides, I have the entire internet in my pocket. If I want to know a story or something I don’t need to waste all that time reading. I’ll just Google the summary. On The Road: Some guy named Sal goes
on a road trip and sees and does some stuff. That’s it. Boom, two seconds. You’re welcome.
So here are my Top Ten Reasons Books Are Pointless:
- If you spend your time reading a book you won’t have time to Instagram that fancy new sandwich you just discovered. If you don’t do that, you won’t get any new followers. Followers are the currency of the 21st century. What would you rather have, followers or knowledge?
- Reading is too involved. It takes hours. All that page turning or scrolling – and blinking. Why not just sit back and binge-watch five seasons of your favorite TV show? What’s the difference really? A story is a story whether you read it (which gives you a headache) or if you watch it (which frees up your hands to eat potato chips).
- Books are heavy. You have to carry ’em everywhere and that will make you too tired to watch TV.
- Reading a book forces you to inhabit a new life in a new world and see that world though different eyes. I’ve got enough problems of my own, I don’t need someone else’s.
- Reading an actual story will quite possibly increase your vocabulary. How many words do you actually need to know to get by?
- Reading will give you perspective on other points of view. Since I’m always right I don’t need to consider another point of view. Unless it’s also mine in which case we’re good.
- Reading encourages imagination and creativity. Those things lead to all kinds of disaster like independent thinking and a prolonged sense of curiosity and wonder. Too labor intensive.
- Reading the classics will make you more impressive at parties. This could be a good thing just so long as no one asks you why the old man wanted to catch that fish so badly. Then it’s a bad thing because you don’t really know the answer.
- Reading books will spawn a new generation of writers. If that happens who will be left to take all those neat selfies on social media? Who will be the brand influencers in bikinis of tomorrow if everyone is reading today?
- Reading will ruin your eyes. That’s right. Think of all the people you see reading who wear glasses. Coincidence? I think not.
Bonus. Reading will make you boring. When I’m with my friends and we’re talking about that latest cinematic blockbuster there’s always gotta be one person who has to ruin it with, “Well, the book was much better”. Seriously, you gonna tell me Jaws on paper was better than Jaws on the big screen?
This is why I think books are pointless. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have two more seasons of “How To Stain Stainless Steel” to watch and a bag of chips to destroy.
*In case you were wondering, this is satire.
However, I have heard all of these excuses in one form or another from people who *cough* don’t read. At this point in my life I have but one simple rule for making friends:
If you don’t read, we can’t be friends.
Tom Serafini is a writer, illustrator and sometime stand-up comedian residing in Brooklyn, New York (until California let’s him stay). His first illustrated picture book, Ollie Bug and the Icky Sticky Thing From Space, will be funded through a Kicktarter crowdfunding campaign coming this summer.
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